Scripts
First Draft
Above is the very first version of ‘Under the Pavement’ I wrote (I have attached a link to the original, unannotated version here). The first script was extremely rough, many things didn’t adhere to continuity (for example there is a key in the script which gives nothing to the narrative). After reading through it many times, I have noted many changes that I will make in the second draft to create a more realistic and cinematic film. The green writing is from my teacher, his comments suggest that I need to better incorporate the beginning of the story with the end as it seems to be two different things. It is also noted that I should try to make the protagonist more relatable as the audience will be able to understand his actions.
The writing in pencil is from a film producer and screenwriter. Her notes suggest alternative methods to push the narrative foreword. She proposes getting rid of a character (Jay) and using the protagonists friends instead. This advice is very helpful as it made me realise what is really needed and what is useless. By editing some scenes out and clearing the motives of each character, the story will flow more smoothly and therefore better engage my audience.
Finally, I went through the first draft again to note down things and cross out irrelevant aspects of the story. I have decided not to incorporate the young boys in the first half of the film as they don’t have anything to do with the plot. I have also made a comment to weave some foreshadowing into the second draft so that the two halves of the narrative flow together.
Second Draft
The second draft of my script was a lot clearer and succinct. I made sure to take the advice from people who had read it, and I tried to make the story flow between the 2 parts. I did this by incorporating certain aspects of foreshadowing.
I also got rid of a character, as his presence didn’t add anything to the story.
All in all, I think that the second script is a lot more detailed and makes more sense, there are certain things that need tweaking, but I won’t be writing a 3rd script for that, I will just be marking it on the page as I go.
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